guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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