There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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