I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He has the fingertips of a God
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
