We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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