I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
