I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
