I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.