I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
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THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.