If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
