I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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