my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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