and you said cock pushups were impossible
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
