You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
