You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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