Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
