When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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