I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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