You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
