Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you made out with another girl for some wings
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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