I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
