im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
