literally had 100 drinks last night.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
