I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
