I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
