I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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