so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Say something about gay babies.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
