I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
