I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
