I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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