I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
