ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I need to calm my uterus...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
