I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
