How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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