Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.