My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
