So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
