Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
