I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
