never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
