My first STD was from a foam party
I am spending my child support on dildos
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
