i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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