After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
