Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
