i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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