I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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