I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
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please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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