Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've blown a few things in my day
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
