My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
