In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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