Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
