Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.