I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
