that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
