allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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