It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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