come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
