Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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