I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
