im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
